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Calling all men
On a recent ride I passed a woman by the side of the road. It happens. They are, after all, half the human race.
She'd been running. No matter, I'll talk to anyone if the opportunity presents itself: even non-cyclists. [on edit: to be clear, she had just finished a run, by the looks of it.]
I said this: "The roads around here." My full meaning, from one road user to another, was along the lines of "The roads sure are terrible, aren't they?", the context being the appalling stretch of tarmac I had just picked a careful line through.
She looked up, uncertain why I was talking to her. I noticed she appeared to be wearing headphones. She was also a bit younger than I'd first thought, maybe late teens or early 20s. She said "Pardon?"
I don't remember exactly how I replied, only that I hadn't meant to alarm her. She sort of smiled and that was that.
Except that wasn't that. I immediately mentally kicked myself for having disturbed her, on whatever level. That half smile could have meant anything from "You're so right, the bloody council, what are they like?" to "[Smile placates strange man.]"
It's normally fine to chat to people, half the human race included, on these chance encounters. But it's easy to forget, particularly when you're a man, that you should choose your moments carefully.
Example 1: Woman walking dog. Say "Hello!" to announce myself as a passing cyclist (I don't favour bells for this purpose: a little too pushy, despite the seemingly cheery Ring-ring!) A Hello! is always appreciated, judging by how often I'm thanked. The sex of the person never comes into it, other than perhaps a split second as they quickly grok the situation.
Example 2: The scenario presented above. It's unclear why this stranger is suddenly talking to you. While it can be cleared up quickly, it can just as quickly get awkward. Chalk up what they call a teachable moment in a lifetime of them. Every day is school day.
A Guardian letter a few years ago:
Men must learn how to make women feel safe while exercising
It is unbelievable that Chris Boardman’s words can be so basic and obvious to female athletes and yet still so needed by men (Calling all men: this is what we can do to help women feel safe exercising in the dark, 30 October). Exercising solo, especially at night, is often a different experience for the two. One day last year I was cycling along the (very wide) Forth and Clyde canal; my fitness was great and I had a fine tailwind. I passed a man who had been dawdling, when suddenly he sped up and started slipstreaming me, within a couple of feet. This was in broad daylight, but the canal was empty.
I was worried in case he was somehow angered by me passing him, so I kept going for around 5km, after which my panic was really starting to interfere aerobically. I signalled that I was going to stop as he was so close to me, sat down on a bench and pulled out some food. He stopped too. “Thanks. I needed that,” he said, before asking me about the rest of my cycle. I refused to engage as I was recovering from the shock. A perfect example of how some men have no idea how intimidating their actions can be to women.
Look, I'm not some knight in shining armour on a mission to protect all womenkind. I'm just a guy offering advice to other guys who may not have given this stuff much thought before.
If you're new please join in and if you have questions pop them below and the forum regulars will answer as best we can.
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29 comments
Interesting topic.
As I've aged, I've seemingly hardened my stance in this area. First up, I will no longer offer / give women advice, help, acts of 'chivalry' unless explicitely asked. I struggled with this, in a cycling context, for a long time as having always ridden in competitive teams / clubs, the general environment had historically been centered around collaborative feedback and collective development. However women do not need men telling them their saddle is too high, or whatever, no matter the situation... so just leave them to their ignorant discomfort. Women can deal with it when they want to perfectly fine.
That's all good with me.
I do however struggle with managing my wider behaviour around women in order to make them feel more 'safe'. I am not a rapist, abuser or sexual predator, and nothing I do, or the manner in which I conduct myself, suggests anything different.
It's a woman's choice to project their prejudices on to the vast majority of perfectly normal, reasonable men they interact with; and to then live in fear because of that. And whilst I believe men should not act in a way that obviously increases women's anxiety, I believe that making excessive adjustments to allay women's fears also enables / empowers those prejudices to some degree.
Men need to stand up and start taking a voice, one that both defends the majority of decent male folk, and equally calls out shitty make behaviour when it presents itself. Currently its ridiculous that we have a generation of men tip-toeing around perfectly natural interactions.
If someone handed you a bowl of jelly babies and said "10% of them are poisoned, but the vast majority are perfectly safe," would you want to eat any?
The vast majority of women have experienced sexual harassment, and more women than you realise have experienced sexual assault. 99% of rapists will never see a court of law. But you think wariness is prejudice, and you'd rather leave women in discomfort than show empathy.
Men who refuse to engage with women because they don't like being met with unfriendliness, yet assert women should continue engaging with men despite their experiences of actual harassment and violence, simply demonstrate yet another reason why we choose the damn bear.
As I've aged I have come to realise that aggressive and violent men are a significant problem in society. They're a problem for cyclists and even more for women (including female cyclists).
I go for walks almost daily, I say hello or nod to anyone I pass and I often see solo women who really don't want to make eye contact. On one level I'm not bothered if someone does not want to say hello to me but the problem is that many women are scared of what could happen if they simply say 'hi' as we pass. If you don't understand this then you are part of the problem.
A few days ago in my city, I see this young girl on her cargo bike who droppped her keys just in front of me, on the cycle lane. I called and she came back in reverse. I said 'the same happened to me this morning' - which was true, probably the first time in my life while cycling - but instead of paying attention to the rare coincidence, maybe pick up the keys for her or wait until she was ready to go, I just went away while she started to talk to me. This was really awkward! but I was not expecting a discussion in a busy street. There was nothing to support my bike, so she was in a better position than me to get the keys herself (step-through frame), but I suppose a real gentleman would have thrown his bike on the road, pick up the keys, and place them in her hand, before she'd done it! Or even try to squatt while holding my bike upright with one hand, and pick the keys with the other hand? Maybe just stay behind and wait until she was done, to offer some protection? Although this could have been judged patronizing in these days and age, at least by some girls....
I remember this advice given to boys when interacting with girls, "Don't be a jerk, don't be a pussy", but it never comes to my mind at the right time...
I am a bit lost. Why couldn't you have picked them up and handed them to her? Or are you not very mobile?
I think you missed the most perplexing bit:
Cargo bikes are getting really fancy now - reverse gears?!
Anyway it sounds like a simple case of "ew! A girl touched them" on the part of the OP. However they did a good deed, have favoured us with a bit of self-analysis - and everyone seems to have left this potential social minefield without serious damage to their feelings / dignity. So that's alright.
Sounds more like a case of I can't reach the floor while on my bike to me.
Why should he have done that? Easier for her with the step-through frame.
Perhaps you can submit a video of picking something up of the floor while astride your bike to show how it is done. Pretty sure I can't reach the floor while on the bike. But if I had a step through frame like a dutch town bike or, I don't know, a cargo bike perhaps it would be simple.
Here we have an example of a good deed being punished, helping someone by pointing out they have dropped their keys is not enough, you must also stop, unclip both feet, dismount, maybe find something to lean the bike against, get the keys, take them to the other person, then reverse the process.
In future it's just easier to just say nothing and pretend you didn't see.
I'd like to see you try it
But but other bicycles are available...
Bump due to my stopping back into road.cc and stumbling across this. Here's a link to an impromptu interview on the side of the road around the time I wrote that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5vKlFgdveE
Fortunately there's a transcript, as it was windy and a bit difficult to hear at times. Note particularly 3.48 (spoiler alert: they happened to be lost, and thanked me for stopping to talk to them).
And here's a link to my site – feel free to stop by and say hello sometime. One of the contributors is my rabbit, goes by the name Chompsky:
https://youtu.be/k40AxCLi3Jg
Finally, here's an opportunity to vote in an important poll: Bell or hello?
Knowing how easy it is to trigger males in the cycling world, perhaps we could have some guidelines for dealing with snowflakes.
Weird post.
Don't say anything if you're unsure. If you do speak to someone, just do it in a decent non-creepy way.
Speaking as an introvert, maybe don't do that.
I'm not going to cease interacting with strangers because there are introverts about. [I used to be an introvert.] Naturally, I judge each situation and act accordingly; I certainly never push myself on anyone, unless a 'Hello' is now considered pushy.
Can be, sometimes.
Introvert or extrovert, speaking as a man, I'm careful not to say anything to a female stranger that I would be concerned about a male stranger saying to me in prison.
Like when my cycling buddy moved up on my left and warned me with "I'm coming inside you"?
Yep. As very often in life if something doesn't affect you it's not so much that it's hard to sympathise, it's that the issue is actually invisible to you.
One thing I've always found problematic, as somebody who always tries to check if a rider by the side of the road needs tools, a spare tube, a phone to call assistance or whatever, is stopping for lone women when I'm riding on my own as well. My solution is generally, if possible, to move as far out in the road as possible and slow down and call out "Can I help with anything?" - giving them a chance to accept or refuse without a large male crowding into their space. It's a tricky one sometimes, particularly on lonely stretches of road, one doesn't want to frighten anyone or indeed seem patronising ("Need a man to help you with that, love?") but equally just for one's own peace of mind as much as anything one doesn't want to ride past ignoring the situation and not render assistance that might be very welcome. I know there aren't very many women on here, it would be interesting to hear the opinion of those who are as to what they think the best way for men to behave in such situations?
I call out something like "got everything you need" - then it doesn't make it "man knows better than woman" but gives the chance to ask for help if needed.
This also works for me as I tend to have the tools but no idea how to actually use them, so can't really offer to help.
This is also me.
And me because I have all the tools, and while I will fix most things if I have to, I don't like doing it. Also if someone is going to make a mistake fixing their bike incorrectly that's better tha if I make a mistake fixing someones elses bike incorrectly.
You beat me to it, have another 'like'
As a woman, this works great for me! My chain broke once, and a kind guy stopped with a chain breaker and sorted it all out for me. We stopped at a cafe nearby so he could clean his hands and had a coffee and a chat.
Pretty much this. It's just a case of appreciating wary women need more personal space. "Do you need help?" or "Do you have what you need?" or a simple, "Are you okay?" from a reasonable distance is perfectly fine. Stopping right next to and bending over her demanding, "Let me do that," is not. Hanging around to criticise is also bad. Standing there watching and trying to make small talk while she tries to get her Marathon back on the rim isn't all that great, either. TBH, the best thing you can do is stop other men doing things like this, because the kind of bloke that does this isn't going to be put off by women telling him to get in the sea.
Good thoughts.