Anti-cycling bingo is finished. Rowan Pelling from the Telegraph newspaper has completed it. There is nowhere left to go...
Yes. On the day after the Office for National Statistics announced that the UK was in recession, the Telegraph's columnists tackled the big issues of our time — "idle Britons are taking hard-working taxpayers for fools", "the EU is in an even worse state than Britain, but Rejoiners couldn't care less", and of course cyclists apparently being "the rudest, most entitled people in the UK today". What a spread...
Anyway, time to focus on the one we're most interested, you can take in the rest on your lunch break...
Anti-cycling bingo refers to the game that can be played while reading online comments about cyclists, or in this case a column published in one of the UK's biggest newspapers. The aim? To cross off all the tired, often heard, boring things that people who don't like cyclists tend to say about cyclists. For example, if it were a points-based game, red-light jumping, riding on pavements and not using cycle lanes would be the low-scoring bankers.
Why do I say all this? Well, Rowan Pelling might just have completed it...
"Lycra-clad boors give off an almost palpable air of smug self-satisfaction even as they make life miserable for fellow road users," she begins, and what a start that is. No dilly-dallying, no prefacing the topic with context or an anecdote or two. Nope, just straight on in with the bashing.
Thankfully, we get that anecdote or two in the intro, as Pelling ticks off the obligatory 'keen cyclist' qualifier, justifying all future anti-cycling bingoing, in the form of explaining how 30 years ago she used to use a bike to get around in Cambridge.
What follows is a whistle-stop tour through: that video on our live blog yesterday of a cyclist and lorry driver in a countryside stand-off, "mightily virtuous" cyclists, "obnoxious road etiquette", "Lycra-clad road hogs" riding two-abreast "while a queue of motor traffic forms behind them", "shooting red lights", "ignoring one-way systems" and, SAY THE LINE... "nipping onto pavements"...
We're not done there, I'm afraid...
On to the "wholesome mummies on their big cargo bikes" apparently "hurtling down a footpath", the "push-bike Puritans" who "believe they're a form of citizen police", the "GoPro brigade who live for recording motorists' tiniest infractions", "snitching on drivers for minor infractions".
Pelling concludes: "It all reminds me of the curtain twitchers who reported neighbours to the police over lockdown because granny came visiting – a sort of jealous appeal to authority to stop people having fun. It’s the absolute worst of modern Britain, and nowhere is it better embodied than in our miserable, obnoxious, moralising cyclists."
BINGO!!!
Peter Walker, the Guardian's deputy political editor did a breakdown of the piece on his social media, with the amusing statement...
"Seriously, who still writes or commissions this sort of stuff? The article itself actually manages to cram in even more cliches than the astonishingly banal headline suggests, which is an achievement of sorts," he said.
Stuart Johnson, the Chair of the Colchester Cycling Campaign added: "Great job by the Telegraph. Whipping up hatred for cyclists yet again with more nonsense."
And breathe. Think I might head back to bed for a lie down in a dark room...