Birkenhead to Liscard Active Travel Project (Wirral Council)
"They'll carry on with their cycle crusade, while we're stuck in the mess they made": Local paper publishes bizarre anti-bike lane poem protesting council's "new crazy scheme"
Is that Shakespeare, Wordsworth or... a "quirky" Wirral resident outraged by a council hoping to "make streets safer for local people"?...
In a highbrow twist on the usual social media ranting about cycling infrastructure projects, one disgruntled Wirral resident has taken their complaints to the local press in the form of a poem protesting the "cycle crusade" council's "absurd" and "crazy scheme".
The Wirral Globe published The Quirky Poet's latest work 'Cycle lane controversy' which was inspired by the council's plans to redesign streets along a direct route from Birkenhead to Liscard town centres, a move the local authority believes will "improve accessibility, make streets safer for local people and provide high quality facilities for pedestrians and cyclists".
However, unimpressed by Wirral Council's £10m scheme — which will be funded via the Liverpool City Region Combined Authority Sustainable Transport Settlement and is to now to progress following a consultation that received 366 responses, with 45 per cent in support and 44 per cent against — the anonymous bard submitted their poetic protest to the local paper. It read...
The council's come up with a new crazy scheme — 'Let's build cycle lanes, a cyclist's dream!'
So you'd best find somewhere else to park, and don't waste time with complaints or remarks
If you're unlucky enough to live on these streets, any moan or protest will face defeats.
They'll spend twenty million, no problem at all— But parking fees are rising this autumnal fall,
To make up the shortfall, just a little demand— "Oh, that's a different budget," they'll say, head in hands Now, where are these cyclists, you may ask?
It's spotting one that's the real task.
For the lanes sit empty, mile after mile, But, oh, those council folk ride in style!
"Think of the planet!" they proudly cheer, Yet buses and lorries still crowd the rear.
And drivers, gridlocked and fit to explode, are simply directed to "share the road."
If you're unfortunate to reside on these roads, any complaints or protests will be ignored.
So here we are, in traffic jams tight, with bike lanes aplenty but none in sight— While ambulance crews look on in dismay, at a system that's led us all astray.
Ah, but consultations were held, they claim, with surveys and meetings (a bureaucrat's game).
But anyone doubting this master plan finds they're talking to the council's hand.
So if you're fed up and think it absurd, just remember: your voice won't be heard.
They'll carry on with their cycle crusade, while we're stuck in the mess they made
Remember: If you find yourself living on these lanes, Any whinge or protest will be in vain.
The response has been mixed, one reader responding online: "I was totally in favour of new bike lanes until I discovered they could provoke bad poetry. Now I'm not sure all of the benefits are worth it."
However, at the other end of the scale, another wrote: "The poet is absolutely right. Some yclists (sic) travel at 60mph on pavements and shared walkways. They don't use cycle lanes - very few do. We are pandering to a very small group. Even teenage school children cycle on the pavement rather than along the cycle lane beside it. I hate to see this wasteful use of money. Use it on policing dangerous riders."
The noise about the project has not been limited to anonymous internet ranting either, the local Conservative leader in July raising eyebrows with much-criticised comments about the plans being "a monumental waste of taxes" and a "recipe for disaster". Jeff Green claimed that the "majority" of residents were "against the scheme", "in spite of the Active Travel Taliban".
Information on the local authority's website states that the "ambitious plans" would see a route 3.5 miles in length connecting Birkenhead and Liscard town centres.
"The roads and streets will all still be public highway where cars are permitted – and car parking is still provided in parking bays or dedicated car parks. But the idea is to provide a much greater balance along these routes to those who wish to walk, run, cycle, scoot or drive to their destination," Wirral Council explained.
While it is the cycle lanes that have received most attention, the project also includes pavement upgrades, improved crossing areas, more street furniture and seating.
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Dan is the road.cc news editor and joined in 2020 having previously written about nearly every other sport under the sun for the Express, and the weird and wonderful world of non-league football for The Non-League Paper. Dan has been at road.cc for four years and mainly writes news and tech articles as well as the occasional feature. He has hopefully kept you entertained on the live blog too.
Never fast enough to take things on the bike too seriously, when he's not working you'll find him exploring the south of England by two wheels at a leisurely weekend pace, or enjoying his favourite Scottish roads when visiting family. Sometimes he'll even load up the bags and ride up the whole way, he's a bit strange like that.
The poem is in bad taste given that a 25 year old cyclist and father was killed on the 29th October while cycling to work on the proposed cycle route. Unfortunately, the motonormativity junction where he was hit by a lorry isn't going to be part of the upgrade.
It's also the same cycle route that was described by Wirral Conservatives as being part of the "Active Travel Taliban".
"I was totally in favour of new bike lanes until I discovered they could provoke bad poetry.
In an interesting coincidence, the vogons were in our region for the construction of an intergalactic hyperspace express route. Interesting that bad poetry and motor vehicular normativity are aligned in the stars.
Tarmac serpent, green-backed, slithering through
the concrete jungle's gut. A slick, rain-glossed track
where chrome fangs flash, devouring the miles.
Nostrils flared, the Lycra-clad warrior hunches,
a coiled spring, legs pumping pistons, driving
the steel beast onward. Eyes fixed on the asphalt ribbon,
a hawk's gaze, piercing the urban haze.
Cars snarl and gnash, caged in their metal hides,
while the cyclist flows, a silent predator,
weaving through the urban prey. Wind whispers
in the spokes, a primal song of speed and freedom.
Red lights bleed like angry eyes, halting
the hunt. But the beast waits, muscles twitching,
ready to unleash its power once more.
This concrete canyon is the cyclist's domain,
a battleground where man and machine merge,
conquering the city, one pedal stroke at a time.
To be fair to the Bard of the Wirral, at least he put some genuine effort into his doggerel. It actually represents what his (deranged) soul wishes to express to his fellow humans. Not the result of a glorified autocomplete calculating the probabilities of what word should come next, based on every existing poem in its database.
What was your prompt? Genuine question - how much input do you put in, or do you just say "Generate me an overly florid piece of poetry about cycle lanes"
It was inevitable that eventually someone would come along to knock Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings (or Paul Neil Milne Johnstone in some versions) off the top spot, and demote the Vogons out of medal positions, for the worst poetry in the universe.
Thought it had something of the McGonagall about it myself.
"T'was in the year of 2024
A bunch of 'Tour de France' hobbyists demanded 'more!'
(And also Deliveroos and the Just Eats).
Demanded more than just to 'share the streets'
(Of course they used the pavement too - as if by right
Except when cycling through a red light)
And yet they pay no road tax so to do
While law-abiding motorists sit in traffic jams and stew...
Paul Neil Milne Johnstone (1952–2004) was a real poet who lived in Redbridge, Essex. Johnstone had attended Brentwood School with Douglas Adams and the two jointly received a prize for English. There Johnstone edited a broadsheet, "the Artsphere Magazine," that included mock reviews by Adams as well as Johnstone's own poetry. Johnstone won an exhibition to study at the University of Cambridge (as did Adams).
His name was used by Adams as the author of the worst poetry in the universe in the original radio broadcast, though this was changed to Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings for all subsequent versions of Hitchhiker's.
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29 comments
I guess Morrissey could claim it.
The poem is in bad taste given that a 25 year old cyclist and father was killed on the 29th October while cycling to work on the proposed cycle route. Unfortunately, the motonormativity junction where he was hit by a lorry isn't going to be part of the upgrade.
It's also the same cycle route that was described by Wirral Conservatives as being part of the "Active Travel Taliban".
... hit by a lorry driver...
http://rc-rg.com
Haiku:
Daily Mail reader -
Cliches fall from the keyboard
Planet? Get to fuck.
Has Angry People in Local Newspapers seen this yet? He loves a bit of poetry.
Did a Vogon write that "poem"?
In an interesting coincidence, the vogons were in our region for the construction of an intergalactic hyperspace express route. Interesting that bad poetry and motor vehicular normativity are aligned in the stars.
All that money spent on special lanes for improbability drives, and the bastards are still always appearing out of nowhere in front of you.
Eddies in the space-time continuum
Is he?
And this is his sofa, is it?
So they're bitter about not being able to park wherever they want, is that about the strength of it from The Motornormative Poet?
Is that Shakespeare, Wordsworth or...
William McGonagall, surely?
False complaints aren't better in poetry, just slightly more entertaining, but perhaps I have to admire the work that's gone into it.
60mph on a pavement? I would love to see any cyclists doing 60mph EVER!!!!!
Not even with the illegal mods! I've surly never seen it. 🤣🤣🤣
I suspect that "60 mph" is code for "faster than I'd like"
Obviously a Telegraph reader who thinks inflation must be around 15% since "Liebour" got into power.
Pog having just found out it's chips for tea tonight maybe?
That's an 'interesting and brave' repurposing of the word 'highbrow' there.
Here's one I got an AI to write...
Tarmac serpent, green-backed, slithering through
the concrete jungle's gut. A slick, rain-glossed track
where chrome fangs flash, devouring the miles.
Nostrils flared, the Lycra-clad warrior hunches,
a coiled spring, legs pumping pistons, driving
the steel beast onward. Eyes fixed on the asphalt ribbon,
a hawk's gaze, piercing the urban haze.
Cars snarl and gnash, caged in their metal hides,
while the cyclist flows, a silent predator,
weaving through the urban prey. Wind whispers
in the spokes, a primal song of speed and freedom.
Red lights bleed like angry eyes, halting
the hunt. But the beast waits, muscles twitching,
ready to unleash its power once more.
This concrete canyon is the cyclist's domain,
a battleground where man and machine merge,
conquering the city, one pedal stroke at a time.
To be fair to the Bard of the Wirral, at least he put some genuine effort into his doggerel. It actually represents what his (deranged) soul wishes to express to his fellow humans. Not the result of a glorified autocomplete calculating the probabilities of what word should come next, based on every existing poem in its database.
What was your prompt? Genuine question - how much input do you put in, or do you just say "Generate me an overly florid piece of poetry about cycle lanes"
I add 'in the style of Jilly cooper ' to prompts, as in 'write 10 cycle lane haiku in the style of Jilly cooper'. Never fails.
I see the AI has 'learnt' that cars are sentient and have agency.
"Cars snarl and gnash, caged in their metal hides"
It's just poetic metaphor, isn't it? (or simile - I can never remember the difference…).
I like that poem!
It was inevitable that eventually someone would come along to knock Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings (or Paul Neil Milne Johnstone in some versions) off the top spot, and demote the Vogons out of medal positions, for the worst poetry in the universe.
Thought it had something of the McGonagall about it myself.
"T'was in the year of 2024
A bunch of 'Tour de France' hobbyists demanded 'more!'
(And also Deliveroos and the Just Eats).
Demanded more than just to 'share the streets'
(Of course they used the pavement too - as if by right
Except when cycling through a red light)
And yet they pay no road tax so to do
While law-abiding motorists sit in traffic jams and stew...
I didn't know that!
https://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/Paul_Neil_Milne_Johnstone